So I Said To My Flatmate

So I said to my flatmate (after we'd lost 7-5 at 5 aside tonight) that I think I've chilled out a bit and am not getting as annoyed about the losses (and there's been many) as I used to.

To which he replied, "well it could just be that your playing really well and scoring goals!"

D'OH!

He might actually be right, I've played 4 games this season, scored 10, set up a lot and generally been pretty good (even if my frequent backheels annoy Dan! Sorry matey!). We've lost all of them, 3 were really close, 1 was a thrashing but cest la vie. So I don't actually know if I've chilled out or not, hopefully though the goals will keep coming, the backheels will work more often than not and that Real Dovetail will get their first league win sooner rather than later.

Sleep!

Superglue

I just managed to superglue my fingers while attempting to superglue velcro to my guitar pedals to sort out my pedal board. I rock or perhaps not!

Misunderstanding God

Today I realised that I have laboured under a misconception of who God is. Now this is probably in itself no great mystery in that all of humanity has in some way misunderstood God. But if you have the inclination to read on then please work with me here.

Two common descriptions of God are of Father and of Teacher. I realised while lying on my bed this afternoon that I had come to view God firstly in some sort of educational/disciplinary type role. The problem with this understanding of God goes thus - if I do well he will bless me, if I do bad he won't. As I don't feel blessed right now I must be doing badly. This then leads to a certain negative state of being and a definite feeling of being unloved.

Now don't get me wrong, I wholeheartedly believe that God is a teacher, but my understanding of this due to my educational upbringing and the like has clouded what teacher actually means. A cursery glance at the old testament shows that the first thing that God does is create the world and create people - his first act is that of a Father (creating the home and then creating the baby!). So my first understanding of God should be as a Father (in the positive sense of who a Father should be). A Father who loves me, and then from there explore other facets of his character.

So my mindset needs to change. I am loved. I am blessed. And from that secure place I can learn, grow, make mistakes, learn, mature and be all that I can be and understand more of who He is.

Apologies that this isn't the most well thought out or well written post; but I wanted to get my thoughts out before I lost the moment, as such.

Scaling New Heights: of plonkerishness

So I haven't had a "proper" conversation with this particularly close friend for over a month, and we arranged that I'd call this evening. So here is an opportunity to catch up but instead of saying anything interesting, profound or revelatory I hardly said a thing and when I did I spouted inane rubbish.

I have scaled new heights in being a total plonker.

And yes I know I have a tendancy to over think my every action, but I seriously am beginning to annoy myself!

Disappointed With The Freedom Of My Speech

I have been pondering many things lately, which certainly has it merits, although sometimes times of introspection can be more negative than positive. However within all of this I have noticed a certain idiosyncrasy perhaps not only perculiar to myself that my language is more "fruity" and less "gracious" the more depressed I am.

For some people this might not be an issue, but as someone who enjoys talking, enjoys words and in some ways views himself as a wordsmith this is a cause for frustration for me. I want my speech to be full of good words, grandious and a tad ecentric maybe, but words that are encouraging, inspiring, challenging, dripping in love and overflowing with joy and the abudance of life and God's goodness.

A wise man once wrote that pleasing words are like honey, sweet to the soul and new life to the bones, too often of late I have found that my words aren't that pleasing and they certainly have not been sweet to the soul or life giving to my bones.

Ephesians 4 v 29 says "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." I have fallen some way short of that, and am sorry to say the least. The challenge I find for myself is that words spoken have come from somewhere, and that somewhere is our inside, our heart if you will. So getting to the heart of the matter, if I may put it crudely there is a part of me that is pissed off and wants to vent. I have decided that I need to find some new stuff to get on the inside, fill the heart up with good things and good things will come out the mouth.

Right now it's galaxy chocolate, my mate's beautiful new song called The Other Side and a few inspiring scriptures.

Lack Of Self Worth Leads To Nowhere Good

A number of my nearest and dearest have spent the last week telling me some truths about me, some of which are easier to hear than others. Amongst all of this I have come to a number of realisations about myself. In some ways I am hugely disappointed with myself, that at the age of 29 I am in so many ways immature and so far from where I could be. And the worst bit is how it negatively impacts the people I love the most.

Some of the aforementioned things are quite amusing; such as I should think less and act more (which is usually the opposite advice you give to blokes!). Some of it quite sad; knowing that at the core of my being I don't feel loved. Some borderline ridiculous but sadly true; having a faux martyr mentality.

To everyone who has had the courage to tell me my failings thank you, to everyone who has encouraged me even amidst my failings thank you, to everyone who has been there for me this hard and painful year, thank you. And for all those I have let down I hope that one day I can make it up to you, even though right now I am not sure how.

So yes it's all a bit weird at the mo, God knows exactly what to do now, and maybe I won't get to the bottom of it all this side of eternity, but I take solace in Philippians 1 v 6, that He will see the completion of the work he has begun.