Too Tired To Blog

Or maybe it's I'm too lazy or maybe it's I'm just confused.

It's probably a combination of a great many things; last night for exanple was getting home from work later than normal, had dinner, watched Arsenal (less said the better!) and then Vikki came round and after she left it was a tad late to start blogging!

I have two ideas for blogs I want to write but that would involve actually spending some time researching and I'm quite an off the cuff kinda person. The ole inspiration vs perspiration issue again.

This also frustrates me as I need to get practicing for a gig and get back into the habit of novelising - I will finish it... one day... Ho hum.

Random thought for the day comes from the wisdom of Calvin Harris; if I see a light flashing does this mean that I am not alone?

Confrontation and the Insult of a Friend

I was out the other night with friends and someone (and it matters not who this person is) insulted a close friend of mine. They felt with great justification the words they shared were fair even if they were very pointed. I was disappointed as I felt my friend was being poorly represented and I very lamely tried to argue against it.

A few days on from this a few things have become clear to me, a) I don't deal with confrontation too well, b) I care very much for my friends but c) if I am unable to defend my friend who I see how can I defend my closest friend who I can't?

What has become so very apparent to me is that as a Christian I am no longer just me, but I am Christ plus me. I am His representative. And in some cases I am the only Christian some people will meet, therefore I have an obligation, a responsibility as a representative of Christ. I think of scriptures like 1 Corinthians 6 v19 which says that we are not our own but have been brought at such a high price, the whole passage talks in part of how we should live our lives. Or Jesus' words in Matthew 28 to his disciples about what we are to do in his absence. Or the words recorded by the Apostle John "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another" (John 13 v35).

Hypocrisy or A Strange Dichtomy?

As I sit here in the office working away (aside from this subtle "break") and at the same time I feel like I'm just waiting...

I find within myself this hypocrisy or strange dichtomy, I can't quite put my finger on it exactly though. For example I will quite willingly miss out something on a point of principal, the hypocrisy is that the thing I will miss out on I desperately want and then I will be all down about what I am missing out on.

To be fair to myself principles are a good thing and something that should be encouraged. Infact without principled people the world would be far worse than it already is. However, too often I am principled on small and inconsequential things which then have annoying personal consequences. So am I a hypocrite or is there a strange dichtomy within my character? This question is possibly rhetorical, but maybe not... I dunno!

The second thought is, how does one move forward? What am I learning and how do I use this new found knowledge, if it is indeed something of note...

Come All You Weary This Christmas

These are the lyrics to a song called "Come All You Weary" by one of the truely amazing bands of our times, Thrice. I aspire to write lyrics and music that is so truely awesome.

However what struck me though is that at this time of year (Christmas for those who missed it!) this is what Crimbo is all about. Lil baby Jesus born into the world, to experience what we experience and then to carry all that we cannot, to pay the price for what we cannot pay. So that the grown up version of that lil baby can say "come to me all you who are weary and I will give you rest". Be inspired my friends and let that inspiration and light bless those around you.

Come all you weary with your heavy loads
Lay down your burdens find rest for your souls
Cause my yoke is easy and my burden is kind
I'll take yours upon me and you can take mine

Come all you weary move through the earth
Surrounded by rest stones and kicked out of church
A couple of loaves sit down at my feet
Lend me your ears and break bread with me

Come all you weary
Come gather round near me
Find rest for your souls

Come all you weary, crippled you lay
I'll help you along you can lay down your canes
We've got a long way to go but we'll travel as friends
The lights growing bright further on towards the end

Safe

I really am somewhat at a loss to succinctly and eloquently express what has happened over the last 24 hours, to say how I feel and what I have been through. Maybe in time I will be able to put something together.

Bottom line, I'm in the 2 out of 5 pool, in fact I was number 1, so I have effectively been given a promotion as opposed to being made redundant.

I'm happy about the good news I've received but gutted for my friends, some really close, who have not been so fortunate as I.

So my thoughts and prayers are with others right now...

And my thanks goes to everyone who has helped me through this time, you all have played your part and I would have been lost without you. Much love.

Misunderstanding God

Today I realised that I have laboured under a misconception of who God is. Now this is probably in itself no great mystery in that all of humanity has in some way misunderstood God. But if you have the inclination to read on then please work with me here.

Two common descriptions of God are of Father and of Teacher. I realised while lying on my bed this afternoon that I had come to view God firstly in some sort of educational/disciplinary type role. The problem with this understanding of God goes thus - if I do well he will bless me, if I do bad he won't. As I don't feel blessed right now I must be doing badly. This then leads to a certain negative state of being and a definite feeling of being unloved.

Now don't get me wrong, I wholeheartedly believe that God is a teacher, but my understanding of this due to my educational upbringing and the like has clouded what teacher actually means. A cursery glance at the old testament shows that the first thing that God does is create the world and create people - his first act is that of a Father (creating the home and then creating the baby!). So my first understanding of God should be as a Father (in the positive sense of who a Father should be). A Father who loves me, and then from there explore other facets of his character.

So my mindset needs to change. I am loved. I am blessed. And from that secure place I can learn, grow, make mistakes, learn, mature and be all that I can be and understand more of who He is.

Apologies that this isn't the most well thought out or well written post; but I wanted to get my thoughts out before I lost the moment, as such.

Freedom Of Speech

“I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” (Voltaire)

It always strikes me as odd how people are very happy for free speech until someone they disagree with has an opportunity to speak.

I confess to not knowing the full details behind Nick Griffin being on Question Time and I decided against watching it last night on point of principle that I don't watch the programme normally so if I do now I've cowered to populist opinion; either negative or positive. However, assuming that he is a political figure and this is a politcal programme that has democratically elected representatives on it, then why shouldn't he have the opportunity to speak. Cos last time I checked we the British public voted him in as an MEP. Yes I probably do disagree with most of what he says and stands for (although I don't know because I haven't read the BNP manifesto) but surely if we want freedom of speech we have to accept that some people are going to say things we don't want to hear.

Obviously there are some extenuating circumstances such as are the BNP a legally recognised party at the moment. What is Question Time's function and the rules which govern it (does his appearance break these). All of which might mean that perhaps he shouldn't have been allowed on the tv. But leaving that aside for one moment. How can we have freedom of speech and then not allow people to speak freely.

Some people will say things you don't want to hear. Some people are going to say things that are blatantly wrong (although the discussion about right and wrong will be for another time). Some people will abuse this freedom. Some people will offend your sensibilities. Some people though will open your eyes to things you did not know about. Some people will make a positive impact in this world by the words they say.

If you have a issue with freedom of speech, I suggest you use your vote wisely next summer. Or better yet, on top of that do something about it, such as get involved in politics or law, and actually do something.

And one final thought, this means I also agree with people being allowed to protest against such things. Although I am against violence, so peaceful protests only please.

The Tension Between Lofty Ambition And Realism

While reading a dear friend's blog I was struck by the question, should one aim for mediocrity and succeed or aim for greatness and fail? In many cases the outcome is the same, but the motivation and the journey can be different.

Currently I'm slightly short on sleep so I don't have the wit to expound everything that I want to around this but in my weakness the following things stand out to me. I probably am a complete hypocrite over such things and end up hurting people close to me by making unfair demands on some and not others, by being selfish even when it appears to be generosity. Sadly I have too many examples in my own life where I have settled for mediocrity over aiming for greatness but then demanded perfection from others when I'm not willing aim for it myself.

In Romans 15 it says that we who are strong ought to bear with the failings of those who are weak and not just to please ourselves. Which in the face of striving for perfection can be difficult, but then again in another book (1 Thessalonians 5v11) it says that we should encourage each other or build one another up. Which got me thinking that we are supposed to help each other aim for something bigger and better, that the point is we help each other aim for perfection, greatness, whatever you want to call it.

So yes my thoughts are probably a bit all over the shop, but I think that perhaps I will try aiming for something a bit higher than I'm on at the moment BUT also have more realistic expectations of others and do what I can to help them be the best they can be.

Peace and love

DT

Inspiration? Lacking...

Sitting on my faded red sofa (ok, technically sitting on my landlord's faded red sofa) it occured to me that I'm not very good when I don't feel inspired. Case in point this evening is completely free, I have nothing to do as such. But more than likely now't much is going to happen as I am tired, feel uninspired and I'm rather lazy.

Creative writers, song writers, writer writers etc are fond of saying things like writing is 5% inspiration and 95% perspiration*. Which is fine and well when talking about song writing, I can do that fairly easily and have done so many times. But now that I am trying to write 100,000 words this becomes almost depressing! 5000 inspired words and 95,000 perspired words. Which considering my predisposition towards laziness doesn't fill me with happy thoughts.

However fear not, for it is not all doom and gloom. I have now written over 26k, so that's over a quarter of the story written and more ideas are beginning to come together. There are bits which feel like a proper story now!

And right now I am going to go and shave, have a shower, have a pray and ponder a few things. Hopefully this will put me into a better frame of mind for the rest of the week. And whether I create much more this week we'll wait and see.

* pick your own percentage breakdown!

7 Days

So it's been a little while since my last blog, have had a few ideas but sadly not the time to let them ruminate and then spring forth.

Instead we get a few of things that have happened to me over the last week, in no particular order:
Played poker tonight for my friend's birthday, lovely evening, very chilled and fun AND I won! This is quite a monumentus moment, I've never won at poker before...

Visited Dave in his new surroundings on Wednesday, was wonderful, we hung out, he showed me his office, his park, his house, his room, he cooked for me, we watched football in a local pub and it was great.

Have spent the last three weeks working on a very frustrating piece of work, got it completed on Friday, I feel a great sense of relief it's over.

Some more good work news, we finally completed one of the major targets on Monday, we're so in shock it hasn't really sunk in that we've caught up!

Rach text me out of the blue today, that meant a lot to me.

I got my mobile phone back, it seems the antennae had broken, I'm quite happy now, means I can listen to, music on the train with both ears again!

Saw The Invention Of Lying with a "pretty young thing" on Friday night, if I have time I will blog about that, the movie that is! It raises some interesting questions.

Last Sunday we did an amusing version of speed dating at church, without the dating bit of course. Basically we all had to say 3 things that we like doing, twas fascinating what people said. Mine were; sport (playing and watching), being creative (music, writing, design work) and spending time with my friends. 2 out of 3 this week ain't bad.

Had dinner with my parents for the first time in ages on Tuesday, was reminded how amazing they are and how hanging out with them is so very good.

And now I probably should switch off and get some sleep.

Peace and love

DT

Have I Mellowed Too Much?

At some point this evening I was hit by the thought; have I mellowed too much?

I think that if people who know me thought about it (not that I think they do or should) they would agree that I have mellowed over the last few years. I know that I have mellowed. But I am left wondering is it too much?

Have I lost the fire that burned inside and led me to action. Now admittedly I did get things wrong a fair amount of the time BUT at least I was passionate and tried to act accordingly! I was zealous for things to be right and desperate that people be treated as equitably as possible.

And I think in that passion I was creative and full of life and vigour and ideas and now as I sit here on my bed; my legs aching, 75 thousand words of a novel still to be written, wondering what will become of all the songs that have been written, I think what happened to that young man full of fire and ideas.

Positive Positive Positive

My parents (who are amazingly loving and learned people) are fond of reminding me about how important the things we say are. To quote an old proverb and personal favourite saying of theirs "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof".

Thus today, despite the rather large and probably growing pile of work at my proverbial front door I am deciding to stay positive and more importantly my words shall reflect this. And if you hear me speaking in the negative feel free to pull me up short!

Disappointed or Disappointed at being Disappointed

So last night was the most bizarre evening I have had in a long time. I had the priviledge of being my dear friend Dave's plus one at the Christian Blog Awards. His blog was up in the under 25 category (http://www.thattheologystudent.blogspot.com/) and I thoroughly recommend it.

Amusingly this thorough recommendation is completely biased, the fact is I love Dave and would read his blog if it was utter tripe, however the fact is it's actually very good. It has wit, elegant prose, honesty, sincerity, asks big important questions but isn't afraid to meander into a trivilaity. And most importantly he does it for the right reasons. Not for fame, adulation, numbers, but because he wants to write and record some of the experiences he is going through.

Now I could go off on the tangent of what is a Christian blog, in a similar way as to what is a Christian band? I stick by the truth that the only things that can be called Christian are those who profess Jesus Christ as Lord, which the last time I checked was not a blog and was not a band. For a blog and a band are the creation of people. Now the people might be Christians and thus that pervades as it should do, every aspect of their lives, but the band and the blog are not in themselves follows of Christ.

But I digress, there were some weird and wonderful characters, some mighty fine beards, some verbose speeches (back atcha bro!), free food, free wine and I was completely underdressed! Although mrs church mouse; sitting next to me did point out that I was the only person wearing a hat. And back to the "point" of this blog; disappointment, on our table a chap who finished runner up last year got nothing, shame, the church mouse won and Dave was left with "nothing". The question that came to mind at that moment was which is worse?

Being disappointed or being disappointed at being disappointed?

Am sure Dave will forgive me for sharing all this, but he had no expectation of winning, and yet there was a teeny weeny bit of hope, hope, hope, and that hope was dashed. And Dave was left disappointed, but which was it, disappointment at not winning or the disappointment of thinking one had a chance and seeing that fail. (nb Dave you're not a failure!). I too must confess to being disappointed, seeing my friend lose and not really having any words to share. Am glad I was there with him, for him, cheered him, made facetious comments and giggled inappropriately with him. I would have smelled his glove if he had one.

So last night was bizarre. We ended up sneaking off early and missed the second half of the awards, missed some nuns winning a web award! Other random things, longer queue for the mens than the womens. Going to bed at midnight but not getting to sleep until 3am (you know who you are - and I'm not complaining at all!)

I could end with some vague platitudes, but I won't. Instead I will end with the words of Paul which put a lot of perspective on a disappointing evening which really wasn't:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. "

What Is Man That You Are Mindful Of Him?

This is a collection of some of the thoughts I have had today, I have not had to put them into any coherent manner.

Why is it that despite everything we (humanity) do God still loves us?
Does eating apples cancel out 3 chocolate bars?
If you want to be depressed, take a look around you, you will always be able to find something that can get you down.
If everyone took a look around them and did something then the world would be a better place.
I scored a hatrick this evening and still felt like I played rubbish.
Why am I wearing tights?
Why has my phone stopped working?
Why is it only a handful of people seem to do all the work?
When did I turn into my father - brightly coloured shirts and drinking copious amounts of tea!
What am I going to about what I see going on around me?
Why am I so selfish and lazy?
Why are Arsenal still so frustrating?
How come I am so blessed with so many wonderful friends?
Three nights on the trot is gone 1am and I'm still not asleep - not clever!

And it all came about because I was pondering the question what is man that you are mindful of him?