Fear And Loathing In West Ruislip

It's funny how you can be quietly going about life and a moment of clarity hits you. I had such a moment last night wandering into the bathroom in my flat.

Six and a half years ago my then fiancee ended our engagement. My epiphany was that without realising it rejection had pervaded my view of myself stemming from that rather unfortunate turn of events.

I could go into lots of detail but now is not the time. I should apologise to friends and family who have born the brunt of my fears and self loathing. But I know that firstly they'll forgive me because they're amazing and secondly in this case it's more about me changing and being a better friend.

The irony being that (if you'll pardon this somewhat vain indulgence, I like to think) I'm a pretty decent friend. However I want to be better than pretty decent, you few who read this deserve that. And I need this, because I'm not happy living in fear and waiting for rejection or worse engineering it.

I Am My Father's Son

As I lay in bed last night a thought really came home to me, I am my Father's son. For the most part I identify more with my mum than my dad. Mainly because our personalities are so similar and our shared strengths in areas such as creative and verbal pursuits. However as I lay there, head buried under duvet, I realised that I am very much like my Dad.

First point, head burying under pillow/duvet. Second point, predisposition to bright coloured shirts, ties and slightly eccentric clothes in general. Third point, consuming vast quantities of tea. Fourth point, love of a good novel. Fifth point love of staying up late talking. Sixth point, love of happy or satisfactory endings in movies. Seventh point being slightly shy.

I suspect this now means that I sometime soon I will start to watch Time Team and discover I really do love steam trains!

All joking aside, I am so very blessed to be my Father's son. I could not have asked for a better role model. If I turn into half the man he is then I will have done well because I see in him someone who is the very best. He of course would not be so vain as to say such things. And yes he does have some faults, and I probably share some of them. But his merits vast outway those. I hope that one day I can live up to the example he has set as a husband, a father, a leader, a friend and a human being. The world is a better place for men like my father, men of honesty and virtue, and I am honoured to be his son.

I probably should tell him a bit more how I appreciate him.

Misunderstanding God

Today I realised that I have laboured under a misconception of who God is. Now this is probably in itself no great mystery in that all of humanity has in some way misunderstood God. But if you have the inclination to read on then please work with me here.

Two common descriptions of God are of Father and of Teacher. I realised while lying on my bed this afternoon that I had come to view God firstly in some sort of educational/disciplinary type role. The problem with this understanding of God goes thus - if I do well he will bless me, if I do bad he won't. As I don't feel blessed right now I must be doing badly. This then leads to a certain negative state of being and a definite feeling of being unloved.

Now don't get me wrong, I wholeheartedly believe that God is a teacher, but my understanding of this due to my educational upbringing and the like has clouded what teacher actually means. A cursery glance at the old testament shows that the first thing that God does is create the world and create people - his first act is that of a Father (creating the home and then creating the baby!). So my first understanding of God should be as a Father (in the positive sense of who a Father should be). A Father who loves me, and then from there explore other facets of his character.

So my mindset needs to change. I am loved. I am blessed. And from that secure place I can learn, grow, make mistakes, learn, mature and be all that I can be and understand more of who He is.

Apologies that this isn't the most well thought out or well written post; but I wanted to get my thoughts out before I lost the moment, as such.

Lack Of Self Worth Leads To Nowhere Good

A number of my nearest and dearest have spent the last week telling me some truths about me, some of which are easier to hear than others. Amongst all of this I have come to a number of realisations about myself. In some ways I am hugely disappointed with myself, that at the age of 29 I am in so many ways immature and so far from where I could be. And the worst bit is how it negatively impacts the people I love the most.

Some of the aforementioned things are quite amusing; such as I should think less and act more (which is usually the opposite advice you give to blokes!). Some of it quite sad; knowing that at the core of my being I don't feel loved. Some borderline ridiculous but sadly true; having a faux martyr mentality.

To everyone who has had the courage to tell me my failings thank you, to everyone who has encouraged me even amidst my failings thank you, to everyone who has been there for me this hard and painful year, thank you. And for all those I have let down I hope that one day I can make it up to you, even though right now I am not sure how.

So yes it's all a bit weird at the mo, God knows exactly what to do now, and maybe I won't get to the bottom of it all this side of eternity, but I take solace in Philippians 1 v 6, that He will see the completion of the work he has begun.