An Extract From My Novel

Thought that I should do as promised and put up something related to the novel I am writing. This is just a first draft of the chapter thus there are probably grammatical errors and clunky bits which will get ironed out over time. But anyways feel free to let me know what you think.


Teah stood outside the church, nervous.

Mcflurry in hand, ice cream melting quickly in the early Indian summer evening. Pacing up and down. Up and down. A small queue was already forming to his left, no right, no left.

The imposing architecture and the late sun dropping behind the church cast long shadows. Teah removed his jacket, it felt restrictive, or maybe he’d put on weight. Whether or not it was a psychological thing or not it didn’t matter. He couldn’t quite explain why he was so uptight. Then undid another shirt button, then did it back up again. Quite an achievement while carrying ice cream.

After what seemed like an eternity but was probably closer to ten minutes he spotted Rebecca amongst a small crowd of people who had crossed the high street together. He tried to throw a nonchalant wave. She spotted him. A moment later she was in his arms. Relief.
“Hello sweetpea” he stammered
“Teah, darling!” with a smile that melted him like the earlier ice cream.
“Shall we join the queue?” he asked.
“Lets, lets. So do we know who the special guest is or is it still a surprise?”
“No idea at all, not even the running order which looks like it’s been hastily bluetacked to the wall behind that makeshift entrance desk says!”

Ten minutes later and they walked through into the sanctuary of the Union Chapel. A beautiful, octagonal 18th Century edifice which tonight was hosting Live at the Chapel, a monthly comedy night. What the Almighty thought of comedy was anyone’s business, but no one had been struck down yet, well at least not as far as anyone knew of. As such jokes at God or rather religion’s expense were to be expected noting the unusual surroundings. All things considered it did make considerable economic and practical sense, so why not use such a unique building as much as possible? With its high ceilings, stain glass windows, superb acoustics and pews.

With a sense of purpose they made their way towards the front. First impressions were that of eccentric confusion. Comedy club in church? Rock and roll in church? Jazz band in comedy club? Pews in comedy club? Whatever next? This eclectic mix in “God’s house” was going to be an experience to behold. They slotted into an empty pew a few rows from the front.
“Do you think the neon sign will be on tomorrow above the reverend‘s pulpit?” laughed Teah.
“Hehe, can you imagine that, so funny for the rev to look up and see a red sign saying live at the chapel!”
As is the way a natural lull fell upon conversation, statistically speaking it’s usually after about twenty three minutes. This lull was accompanied by a jazz band called The Band unsurprisingly playing jazz, unsurprisingly being very good, surprisingly playing a cover of Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones. It was a peculiar thing which Teah decided should be shared with Rebecca for lack of anything else to say and to end the lull.
“A bit different is it not to have a jazz band playing in a church at a comedy night, no?”
“I think this whole evening is an eclectic mix so nothing is surprising me, they’re very good though aren’t they.”
“Yes they are, exceptionally gifted purveyors of rhythm and blues. It must however be an odd feeling playing a show like this. More so as their front man is a saxophone player, so there is no verbal communication with the audience.”
“Quite. Which could explain the polite applause after every song as opposed to the adulation they deserve!”
“Not sure what the Almighty would say about someone on his stage getting adulation. Let’s hope there’s no smiting.”

The band paused, and a booming voice spoke forth.
“Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome your host and tonight’s compère Mr Allan Tiny”
Cue rapturous applause.
“Good evening all. How are we all doing? What a fascinating venue eh. I would advise everyone to pay attention to certain rules or risk the wrath of the Almighty. And God would be upset too.”
Cue mild laughter.
“Sadly there is no drinking in the main chapel area, however there is a bar upstairs. And far be it from me to suggest that buying spirits with a mixer is a clever way of disguising alcohol, the eyes of God do see all things! I however don’t like spirits thus am stuck with fizzy pop. How very rock n roll eh.”
Cue mixture of disgruntled laughter.
“So tonight we have a fantastic evening of comedic entertainment for you. Some live acts, as opposed to dead ones, they never did translate too well to a live audience. Comedians and comediennes who will tickle you pink, make you think and possibly help you forget that you are in a church and that you are wedged into these God awful pews. “
Cue uncomfortable laughter.
However before I welcome the first comedienne to the stage I just wanted to ask a question or two. So lads, who here thinks he’s on a date but really the girl you’re with doesn’t like you that way?”
Teah laughed somewhat uncomfortably at this, heightened considerably by Rebecca’s sideways glance and comment. “How gutted must you be if that was you! Evening over!”
“Haha, that‘s got you worried now lads, don‘t worry though, it‘s probably not you!” continued the compère.
Dee swallowed anxiously and laughed again a little too loudly.
“Hopefully…”
Cue more laughter.
So without further ado, may I introduce our opening act…”
To Teah it could only have felt worse if he’d been called a paedophile or had his pants pulled down in front of everyone. It was as if a massive spotlight had been shone sorely on him in the midst of that darkly lit hall, his very soul exposed to all to see, and Rebecca was looking down her elegant nose at him with disdain written across her fair features. Shocked that he would feel that way.
‘Help.’

He vaguely noticed Rebecca jabbing him in the ribs and motioning that the person on stage was really very funny. At this point Teah noticed that there was a young lady, with a guitar singing some inappropriate songs about child birth.
‘Was this the first act still?’
‘How long have I been lost in my own thoughts?’
He glanced at Rebecca, and she smiled back.
‘She seems to be having a good time still so it can’t be that bad. Maybe she hadn’t noticed!’
“Very amusing” Teah finally said out loud.

And so the evening progressed, the audience laughed vigorously and the acts lapped up the applause and held them skilfully in the palm of their comedic hands. Soon people forgot they were sitting very upright in less than comfortable surroundings, then before you knew it the compère was bidding all a good night and enticing one final round of applause.

Upon leaving the church Rebecca wrapped her arm through Teah’s and lent on his shoulder. “So what did you think? And you went a bit quiet half way through, lost in your own thoughts for a bit eh?!”
“Um yeah, twas great wasn’t it. How weird was that guy shoving a beer bottle up his bum, not expecting that at all. Beside him the rest was really good. I liked the joke about existentialism and a dog named Buddha.”
“Yes, very odd and not funny at all. You know what would be though“ said Rebecca, “you should write a scene into your novel about tonight, except that it should be that the male character is secretly in love with the female character, and how the comedian is the one who reveals that to everyone, but the awkwardness is only felt by the male character. That would make for a great subplot to your novel! What do you think?”
‘HELP!’

(C) 2009 David Thomas