Regret

Although the past few days have been beautiful in so many ways, my heart is troubled and my mind full of regret for my failure to act.

Maybe it should read;
Although my heart is troubled and my mind full of regret over my failures the past few days have been beautiful in so many ways.

Someone once said it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. One of my closest friends told me I think too much. I have loved, I have lost, I have thought too much and not acted and thus have lost and not loved in the past few days.

Don't let opportunity pass you by, don't live with regret, don't let your heart be burdened with such weights. Better to be rejected by people and loved by God than to have never stepped out.

So I sit here alone, knowing that this broken heart and mind that is full of regret is loved by God. And maybe one day I will look back and not with regret...

Subject To Change

Realisation came home to me today that I really don't like change. Strangely not a lot has changed today, except for the loss of the beard. But maybe my facial hair is an apt metaphor for my dislike of change. I tend to shave relatively infrequently, usually because I'm lazy and perhaps because a bit of facial suits me.

As I have mentioned before two of my closest friends are moving away, and the thought of not seeing them as regularly as I have done fills me with great sadness. Worse still is the apprehension that they will meet new people and I'll get replaced, maybe not fully but slightly. And that's what scares me the most. So like my not shaving, I don't like things to change. I like my friends, I like knowing where they are and that I can see them AND yet things are always changing much like my facial hair which grows grows grows until I shave it off. Yet it is horribly selfish to not want good things and change for my friends. And this is what it feels like, I've just shaved, a fresh face, and a fresh start for my two friends.

So to my two friends I pray for greatness for you, I love you dearly, more than I have words to say. And I hope that I'm able to be a good friend in all of this, whatever that might be.

Onto slightly more upbeat matters, tomorrow I travel to Preston for a wedding. Am really looking forward to it. Love and marriage is a beautiful thing and I am honoured to be there for it and to play a small part - Usher! Goodness knows what this will involve, but I have a suit, white shirt, about to go and polish the shoes and tomorrow collect my teal tie!

Tired but Thinking but Possibly not Straight

I have returned from Somerset, Shepton Mallet, a Farm, Soul Survivor. Currently "recovering" by sitting on the sofa watching Michael McIntyre.


Now this recovering is not a negative recovering as to suggest that my week in the world's smallest tent was bad. Infact I'd go so far to say that the only dampner on the week was the leaking tent, sadly the leaking wasn't so much the outside rain as the inside condensation caused by my nightime breathing. This is somewhat problematic being so tall, having so many clothes and being slightly "precious" (to quote some some friends)! But moving away from my tent issues, my week was very good. I was stuck in a field, with great friends, new friends, a guitar, a pink tent and pretty painted nails. Which contrasted with my new found desire for a man drawer has left me questioning a number of things about who I am.


For those who have no idea what Soul Survivor is about, it is a Christian Festival, it's lots of young people camping in muddy fields gathering in a big tent to sing songs to Jesus and listen to various people speaking on a variety of different things. There's live music, talks, food, sports and all sorts of stuff. Which may or may not be your cup of tea. And why was I there? Aside from being a Christian, and liking muddy fields, no wait aside from being a Christian and liking music and stuff like that I was helping out my friend's youth group by being one of the "leaders" - a task I feel less than suited to than some might suggest.


Am I the extroverted guy who will talk to anyone, or am I the quiet guy who feels everything, am the popcorn fluff conversationalist or the deep longwinded dialogist? Which doesn't even get us onto discussions as to what is it that makes someone a leader or what exactly is it that makes someone a man (penis or personality?) and what does it mean to be a Christian? Does painting my nails make any difference to anything?


But fear thee not, I still like women, football and meat. But I also like pink, clothes shopping and romantic comedies. Which has led me to the conclusion that my identity needs to be found in something other than my sexuality or what I like/dislike or support etc. After 29 years of consideration I have come to the conclusion that the decision I made age 3 is still the correct one. My identity needs to be in Jesus Christ, he is not flakey like I, or prone to irrational thoughts or selfish amibition. He is patient and kind, he does not envy or boast, he is not proud or rude or self-seeking, he it is not easily angered, he keeps no record of wrongs, he does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres and he never fails. And all of this is what I aspire to be, and as I look to him I know that I can grow into this, even if I fall short time after time.


So I am going to go make a cup of tea and ponder the words of the legend that is Tre when he said now it's your turn to go out there and change the world with your art and revel in England winning the Ashes!

Silence For A Few Days

Eloquence has left me this evening.

I started writing a piece about letting the people I love down, but it crossed that line into being depressing and I was struggling to get my thoughts out in an intelligent or eloquent manner. Thus I gave up on it, not least because I promised myself this blog would not be completely self indulgant or depressing.

Onto other matters, I am off camping at Soul Survivor for a few days, so there will be no updates til the weekend. Which in someways is annoying cos I think I'd probably have tons of "interesting" things to write. Hopefully I can store up the good stuff and distill it into one uber amazing super post!

So to my friends and family who I have let down, my apologies. I love you all dearly.

New Things, Growing Up and the Same Ole Same Ole

A friend of mine gets married in a couple of weeks, another friend of mine starts a new job/career next month, another friend is currently completing a new qualification while another friend is about to start a new qualification in a new city. And I have started a blog.

Spot the odd one out for life changing um changes.

(Unless of course this blog turns into something epic, which is probably unlikely, or starts taking up my entire life, which probably isn't a good idea!)

It was muted that maybe I could share some material from the novel I am attempting to write. So I thought I would clarify how that is going. So far I have written nearly 25,000 words, which translates to approximately a quarter of the book I am attempting to write. Within the confines of the story I am telling and the vehicle for this it means I have nearly completed 1 characters story.

For those who don't know, my novel revolves around 3 characters, currently enitled Dee, Jay and Teah, and how their lives become entwined over the course of 99 days. So I am effectively telling 3 stories in 1. Writing it in this manner gives me scope for jumping around and writing the bits that I feel inspired to. Although on days/weeks/months where I don't feel inspired it sometimes feels likea hopeless unending battle. However I have so far written more than I have ever written in my entire life and I have been only working on it for 15 months. All the while holding a day job, playing in two bands, moving house, and doing lots of stuff! So although it's taking a while and is harder than I thought, it's still going well!

And yes this post probably has rambled more than usual but I'm on my lunch break, so I haven't had much time to "edit" myself - which is usually a sensible thing to do.

Vanity and the Egotist

When I told a very close friend of mine that I had finally joined the world of the blog; his reply somewhat in jest of course, was "I'm surprised you've resisted for so long, you little egotist!". Aside from the wry smile it brough to my face it also got me thinking about creative endeavours and why 'we' undertake them.


For example, I compose songs and perform them on a variety of different artistic landscapes. Being a soul of romantic disposition, a considerable amount of my musical creation falls into for want of a better description love songs (although if anyone heard much of my output from Ikonoklast's days they might question that!) across the aforementioned landscapes. In searching for the meaning behind the song; the motives if you will for writing such things, it can of course cover a such wide range from the pure to the not so! And thus it led me further on to asking the slightly more specific question as it were of why am I writing this blog? Is it for me, is it for you, does my opinion matter and why?

When I was at university many moons ago, one of my lecturers voiced his dispair about the internet and how basically anybody could write anything on it and other people might then take note of that. Therefore the potential is there for complete garbage and that garbage to be validated. And I agreed with him wholeheartedly, and now I am writing a blog, adding further clutter to the internet. Of course I am intelligent, witty, charming, endearing, interesting, my blog would never be garbage, no no sir, my views are a cut above, and thus I am also in danger of being a fraud and an egotist.

And still I play on.

I am not sure I have an answer to this seeming dichtomy, and I suspect that over time I may get a slightly clearer picture. I may not of course. Perhaps I think too much and ask far too many questions. But I have promised myself that I will attempt to not allow this blog to become a place where I either rant about nonsence or fall into ever greater pits of dispair and depressing self loathing. Somewhere between vanity and depression is where this blog shall hopefully reside and perhaps glory something far worthier than I.

And in another moment of vanity; in homage to someone special, I end with this thought, "make of this what you will".

And So It Begins...

After a considerable amount of contemplating the idea and then disgarding it on account of many valid and not so valid reasons, I decided on the spur of the moment (yes that one just gone) to get on a do it. Yes to do a blog. Thus I have now joined the world of bloggers, whatever that actually means. This sudden rush of blood to the head has been in no small way aided by two people who shall remain nameless but mean more to me than words could ever conspire to show and deserve so much more than I.

I'm not entirely sure what I expect of this, or of myself, but we shall see how this works itself out.

And so it begins...

DT