So How Do I Find The Words To Say I'm Sorry?

As the year draws to an end my thoughts are drawn to the sad fact that I have let so many people down; but not just people, friends, friends who deserve so much more than I. So to my family and friends I would like to apologise for me in 2009.

So how do I find the words to say I'm sorry? I think I'll plagiarise myself again for the upteenth time...

You make the world a better place every time you smile
You flood my world with a thousand colours when all around is grey
So how do I find the words to say I'm sorry?

What is hope, what is fear, what is it that I hold near?
What is love, what is lies, what is it I feel inside?

You make the world a better place by letting your light shine
This glory that glows within you has touched this heart of mine
So how to I find a way to say I'm grateful?

Hypocrisy or A Strange Dichtomy?

As I sit here in the office working away (aside from this subtle "break") and at the same time I feel like I'm just waiting...

I find within myself this hypocrisy or strange dichtomy, I can't quite put my finger on it exactly though. For example I will quite willingly miss out something on a point of principal, the hypocrisy is that the thing I will miss out on I desperately want and then I will be all down about what I am missing out on.

To be fair to myself principles are a good thing and something that should be encouraged. Infact without principled people the world would be far worse than it already is. However, too often I am principled on small and inconsequential things which then have annoying personal consequences. So am I a hypocrite or is there a strange dichtomy within my character? This question is possibly rhetorical, but maybe not... I dunno!

The second thought is, how does one move forward? What am I learning and how do I use this new found knowledge, if it is indeed something of note...

Come All You Weary This Christmas

These are the lyrics to a song called "Come All You Weary" by one of the truely amazing bands of our times, Thrice. I aspire to write lyrics and music that is so truely awesome.

However what struck me though is that at this time of year (Christmas for those who missed it!) this is what Crimbo is all about. Lil baby Jesus born into the world, to experience what we experience and then to carry all that we cannot, to pay the price for what we cannot pay. So that the grown up version of that lil baby can say "come to me all you who are weary and I will give you rest". Be inspired my friends and let that inspiration and light bless those around you.

Come all you weary with your heavy loads
Lay down your burdens find rest for your souls
Cause my yoke is easy and my burden is kind
I'll take yours upon me and you can take mine

Come all you weary move through the earth
Surrounded by rest stones and kicked out of church
A couple of loaves sit down at my feet
Lend me your ears and break bread with me

Come all you weary
Come gather round near me
Find rest for your souls

Come all you weary, crippled you lay
I'll help you along you can lay down your canes
We've got a long way to go but we'll travel as friends
The lights growing bright further on towards the end

Still Fail At Dealing With Disappointment Well

I still fail at dealing with disappointment well.

Stupidly, I get my hopes up, and then get disappointed over silly things which are probably of very little consequence and yet in my mind they are...

Oh well, best get back to wrapping the Christmas presents.

I Am My Father's Son

As I lay in bed last night a thought really came home to me, I am my Father's son. For the most part I identify more with my mum than my dad. Mainly because our personalities are so similar and our shared strengths in areas such as creative and verbal pursuits. However as I lay there, head buried under duvet, I realised that I am very much like my Dad.

First point, head burying under pillow/duvet. Second point, predisposition to bright coloured shirts, ties and slightly eccentric clothes in general. Third point, consuming vast quantities of tea. Fourth point, love of a good novel. Fifth point love of staying up late talking. Sixth point, love of happy or satisfactory endings in movies. Seventh point being slightly shy.

I suspect this now means that I sometime soon I will start to watch Time Team and discover I really do love steam trains!

All joking aside, I am so very blessed to be my Father's son. I could not have asked for a better role model. If I turn into half the man he is then I will have done well because I see in him someone who is the very best. He of course would not be so vain as to say such things. And yes he does have some faults, and I probably share some of them. But his merits vast outway those. I hope that one day I can live up to the example he has set as a husband, a father, a leader, a friend and a human being. The world is a better place for men like my father, men of honesty and virtue, and I am honoured to be his son.

I probably should tell him a bit more how I appreciate him.

Confessions...

There is a biblical principle of confession; usually it pertains to sin, but I think that limits the scope that could be applied somewhat. And it occured to me that perhaps there are somethings that I probably should confess. So here we go as I lay bare my soul.

I like donuts, I think maybe a bit too much.

Safe

I really am somewhat at a loss to succinctly and eloquently express what has happened over the last 24 hours, to say how I feel and what I have been through. Maybe in time I will be able to put something together.

Bottom line, I'm in the 2 out of 5 pool, in fact I was number 1, so I have effectively been given a promotion as opposed to being made redundant.

I'm happy about the good news I've received but gutted for my friends, some really close, who have not been so fortunate as I.

So my thoughts and prayers are with others right now...

And my thanks goes to everyone who has helped me through this time, you all have played your part and I would have been lost without you. Much love.

It Got Me Thinking So I Thought I Should Share...

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/component/content/article/135-blog/19233-is-it-ever-right-to-not-give-to-the-homeless

"Bullet With Butterfly Wings"

I had written this whole spiel about this song by the Smashing Pumpkins but maybe I'll just let Billy speak for himself:

The world is a vampire, sent to drain
Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
And what do I get, for my pain?
Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game
Even though I know - I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold - like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal
But can you fake it, for just one more show?
And what do you want? I want to change
And what have you got, when you feel the same?

Tell me I'm the only one
Tell me there's no other one
Jesus was the only son, yeah.
Tell me I'm the chosen one
Jesus was the only son for you.

Love Covers All

I was reading a friends blog and he had linked to a song on youtube called How He Loves Us (by John Mark McMillan) and as I listened to this song I was brought low in awe of how good God is, how amazing love is and how that we can't have hold on to grudges, bad attitudes and stuff so when we say love covers all that's how we're supposed to be... it covers over grievances, wrongs and hurts, it forgives, it accepts, it carries, it's strong, it's so flipping amazing I cannot give it justice with my words and actions and I don't want to not do it justice with my words and actions.

And I deliberately left that as one stupidly long sentence because that's kind of how it felt, it all fell out of "heaven" and into my "heart". I hope I don't lose this. I pray I remember how I feel right now.

Oh how He loves us.

If You Don't Take Your Chances You're Likely To Lose

Clinical? No. Enough said...

Continuity and Inspiration in the World of Creation

This year I have written one song, back in February, so I am in a bit of a songwriting drought to put it mildly.

I am currently attempting to write a novel which is going um well it's going in a vaguely forward direction.

What I have noticed is that "inspiration" is a great thing when it comes to creative endeavours but it is impossible to maintain creating on inspiration alone. There comes a point where hard work and continuity is needed to maintain the creation. This continuity I have struggled with and thus I have found song writing this year very difficult and novelising (my new word for the creation of my story) a struggle to put it mildly.

Intrinsically there is a link to my mind at any rate between continuity and hard work in creative pursuits, and hard work is not really my forte.

To thrash out my thoughts here with an example. On Friday I was sitting on a train back to London having visited a beautiful friend down south; I used the 90 minute journey to work on the novel, I finished off one chapter and began another. I was pretty pleased with the creative exertions. However since then I have done nada, and that is the frustration. No continuity.

Am I a 2 out of 5 or 3 out of 5?

Next week I will find out whether I am in the pool of 2 or 3.

If it's the 3 I've been made redundant, if it's the 2 I'm safe.

Either way things will be strange, 3 out of the team of 5 I'm in will be leaving so that will be a huge change but also whatever happens we'll all be working together for another 6 months while the work gets outsourced and we train up the new people. Potentially weird ole situation.

I'm not really nervous about what will happen. We wait and see if the management rate me as a 2 out of 5 or a 3 out of 5. If it's not the former then so be it, my identity and peace of mind is not determined by them. My hope is in the Lord, to borrow from the psalmist, I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from, my help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

So I Said To My Flatmate

So I said to my flatmate (after we'd lost 7-5 at 5 aside tonight) that I think I've chilled out a bit and am not getting as annoyed about the losses (and there's been many) as I used to.

To which he replied, "well it could just be that your playing really well and scoring goals!"

D'OH!

He might actually be right, I've played 4 games this season, scored 10, set up a lot and generally been pretty good (even if my frequent backheels annoy Dan! Sorry matey!). We've lost all of them, 3 were really close, 1 was a thrashing but cest la vie. So I don't actually know if I've chilled out or not, hopefully though the goals will keep coming, the backheels will work more often than not and that Real Dovetail will get their first league win sooner rather than later.

Sleep!

Superglue

I just managed to superglue my fingers while attempting to superglue velcro to my guitar pedals to sort out my pedal board. I rock or perhaps not!

Misunderstanding God

Today I realised that I have laboured under a misconception of who God is. Now this is probably in itself no great mystery in that all of humanity has in some way misunderstood God. But if you have the inclination to read on then please work with me here.

Two common descriptions of God are of Father and of Teacher. I realised while lying on my bed this afternoon that I had come to view God firstly in some sort of educational/disciplinary type role. The problem with this understanding of God goes thus - if I do well he will bless me, if I do bad he won't. As I don't feel blessed right now I must be doing badly. This then leads to a certain negative state of being and a definite feeling of being unloved.

Now don't get me wrong, I wholeheartedly believe that God is a teacher, but my understanding of this due to my educational upbringing and the like has clouded what teacher actually means. A cursery glance at the old testament shows that the first thing that God does is create the world and create people - his first act is that of a Father (creating the home and then creating the baby!). So my first understanding of God should be as a Father (in the positive sense of who a Father should be). A Father who loves me, and then from there explore other facets of his character.

So my mindset needs to change. I am loved. I am blessed. And from that secure place I can learn, grow, make mistakes, learn, mature and be all that I can be and understand more of who He is.

Apologies that this isn't the most well thought out or well written post; but I wanted to get my thoughts out before I lost the moment, as such.

Scaling New Heights: of plonkerishness

So I haven't had a "proper" conversation with this particularly close friend for over a month, and we arranged that I'd call this evening. So here is an opportunity to catch up but instead of saying anything interesting, profound or revelatory I hardly said a thing and when I did I spouted inane rubbish.

I have scaled new heights in being a total plonker.

And yes I know I have a tendancy to over think my every action, but I seriously am beginning to annoy myself!

Disappointed With The Freedom Of My Speech

I have been pondering many things lately, which certainly has it merits, although sometimes times of introspection can be more negative than positive. However within all of this I have noticed a certain idiosyncrasy perhaps not only perculiar to myself that my language is more "fruity" and less "gracious" the more depressed I am.

For some people this might not be an issue, but as someone who enjoys talking, enjoys words and in some ways views himself as a wordsmith this is a cause for frustration for me. I want my speech to be full of good words, grandious and a tad ecentric maybe, but words that are encouraging, inspiring, challenging, dripping in love and overflowing with joy and the abudance of life and God's goodness.

A wise man once wrote that pleasing words are like honey, sweet to the soul and new life to the bones, too often of late I have found that my words aren't that pleasing and they certainly have not been sweet to the soul or life giving to my bones.

Ephesians 4 v 29 says "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." I have fallen some way short of that, and am sorry to say the least. The challenge I find for myself is that words spoken have come from somewhere, and that somewhere is our inside, our heart if you will. So getting to the heart of the matter, if I may put it crudely there is a part of me that is pissed off and wants to vent. I have decided that I need to find some new stuff to get on the inside, fill the heart up with good things and good things will come out the mouth.

Right now it's galaxy chocolate, my mate's beautiful new song called The Other Side and a few inspiring scriptures.

Lack Of Self Worth Leads To Nowhere Good

A number of my nearest and dearest have spent the last week telling me some truths about me, some of which are easier to hear than others. Amongst all of this I have come to a number of realisations about myself. In some ways I am hugely disappointed with myself, that at the age of 29 I am in so many ways immature and so far from where I could be. And the worst bit is how it negatively impacts the people I love the most.

Some of the aforementioned things are quite amusing; such as I should think less and act more (which is usually the opposite advice you give to blokes!). Some of it quite sad; knowing that at the core of my being I don't feel loved. Some borderline ridiculous but sadly true; having a faux martyr mentality.

To everyone who has had the courage to tell me my failings thank you, to everyone who has encouraged me even amidst my failings thank you, to everyone who has been there for me this hard and painful year, thank you. And for all those I have let down I hope that one day I can make it up to you, even though right now I am not sure how.

So yes it's all a bit weird at the mo, God knows exactly what to do now, and maybe I won't get to the bottom of it all this side of eternity, but I take solace in Philippians 1 v 6, that He will see the completion of the work he has begun.

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

So tomorrow I am shaving my head for charity.

I'm weirdly apprehensive yet strangly it doesn't feel like it's going to happen, am totally blown away by people's generosity yet pondering how exactly this is going to affect me.

And in a break from the norm I'm going to leave it there as I am actually borderline speechless.

www.justgiving.com/DThairtodaygonetomorrow

Freedom Of Speech

“I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” (Voltaire)

It always strikes me as odd how people are very happy for free speech until someone they disagree with has an opportunity to speak.

I confess to not knowing the full details behind Nick Griffin being on Question Time and I decided against watching it last night on point of principle that I don't watch the programme normally so if I do now I've cowered to populist opinion; either negative or positive. However, assuming that he is a political figure and this is a politcal programme that has democratically elected representatives on it, then why shouldn't he have the opportunity to speak. Cos last time I checked we the British public voted him in as an MEP. Yes I probably do disagree with most of what he says and stands for (although I don't know because I haven't read the BNP manifesto) but surely if we want freedom of speech we have to accept that some people are going to say things we don't want to hear.

Obviously there are some extenuating circumstances such as are the BNP a legally recognised party at the moment. What is Question Time's function and the rules which govern it (does his appearance break these). All of which might mean that perhaps he shouldn't have been allowed on the tv. But leaving that aside for one moment. How can we have freedom of speech and then not allow people to speak freely.

Some people will say things you don't want to hear. Some people are going to say things that are blatantly wrong (although the discussion about right and wrong will be for another time). Some people will abuse this freedom. Some people will offend your sensibilities. Some people though will open your eyes to things you did not know about. Some people will make a positive impact in this world by the words they say.

If you have a issue with freedom of speech, I suggest you use your vote wisely next summer. Or better yet, on top of that do something about it, such as get involved in politics or law, and actually do something.

And one final thought, this means I also agree with people being allowed to protest against such things. Although I am against violence, so peaceful protests only please.

Blah Blah Blah

Things that have made me smile, think, sad and the like recently...

My sister telling me that my Dad was intrigued to read some of my novel because my written English wasn't very good back in school.

Train driver announcing that we were being delayed because they were fiddling with the cutting edge technology on the train.

I haven't written a song in a long time...

27k and counting, although I'm struggling with my own laziness, tv and self doubt.

I keep playing football because the team needs me even though I'm injured and my body feels completely battered. Can't decide if I'm an idiot or generous. 10 goals in 7 games is ok, although it doesn't feel like my best (although maybe I'm deluded as to my greatness!).

Last night (and I didn't admit it at the time!) I managed to order a vegetarian burger by mistake, I thought I was eating a black pepper and cheese burger as opposed to a "black pepper and cheese" burger.

Found out that a mate of mine will find out on Monday if his job is at risk, and there's a 1 in 4 chance he'll be made redundant, kinda bought home the fragility of this life.

www.justgiving.com/DThairtodaygonetomorrow - blown away that have raised £455 already!

How it all depends on who the person is as to how it affects you...

Beaten and Blogless but not Broken

It has been a while since I have blogged. There are a number of reasons for this. I have been lacking in inspiration for things to write (although this usually doesn't stop me from spouting something) coupled with a rather unfortunate personal situation which I shall refrain from elaborating upon because it's not important.

The thing I wanted to highlight is my friends. Through a somewhat difficult period a number of friends who did not know I was struggling said various things to me, spent time with me, and displayed the love of Christ to me, and whether they realised it or not helped me through. All I can say is that I am truely grateful for the friends I have and pray that I in turn am able to be the best friend I can be to them.

My thanks also to Dave who was the one who got the full extent of complaint in person.

As for the situation, it hasn't really gone away but has calmed down and I am learning to leave it in God's hands. Learning to let him be the one to defend my cause as my words, my logical arguments and my wisdom have failed quite spectacularly.

The other thing that has become apparent to me is how much I/we complain and don't really pray about things. We moan about stuff to each other and God but don't actually bother to really bring these things, situations, whatevers to the Lord in real prayer*. Which is really rather stupid really.

*And what I mean by real prayer is telling God about a situation and either asking him into it or asking him for a specific outcome.

Accountability

Was having a discussion with a friend about how hard working yet lazy we can me. The realisation hit me rather forcefully when she said "I'm very hard working when I'm accountable to someone but when I know no-one else is going to know I'm not as bothered"

And that's it isn't it; accountability, I'm not very accountable to myself or rather I don't take being accountable to myself seriously at all.

Now what the reasons are for this I'll leave to another time. But it got me thinking about what is it I want to do, like what are the big things, what are my dreams, or what is it I want to achieve?

Here are the things that immediately spring to mind:
1) Finish writing my novel
2) Record some songs accoustically.
3) Record some church songs.
4) Spend more time with my family/friends

The Tension Between Lofty Ambition And Realism

While reading a dear friend's blog I was struck by the question, should one aim for mediocrity and succeed or aim for greatness and fail? In many cases the outcome is the same, but the motivation and the journey can be different.

Currently I'm slightly short on sleep so I don't have the wit to expound everything that I want to around this but in my weakness the following things stand out to me. I probably am a complete hypocrite over such things and end up hurting people close to me by making unfair demands on some and not others, by being selfish even when it appears to be generosity. Sadly I have too many examples in my own life where I have settled for mediocrity over aiming for greatness but then demanded perfection from others when I'm not willing aim for it myself.

In Romans 15 it says that we who are strong ought to bear with the failings of those who are weak and not just to please ourselves. Which in the face of striving for perfection can be difficult, but then again in another book (1 Thessalonians 5v11) it says that we should encourage each other or build one another up. Which got me thinking that we are supposed to help each other aim for something bigger and better, that the point is we help each other aim for perfection, greatness, whatever you want to call it.

So yes my thoughts are probably a bit all over the shop, but I think that perhaps I will try aiming for something a bit higher than I'm on at the moment BUT also have more realistic expectations of others and do what I can to help them be the best they can be.

Peace and love

DT

Inspiration? Lacking...

Sitting on my faded red sofa (ok, technically sitting on my landlord's faded red sofa) it occured to me that I'm not very good when I don't feel inspired. Case in point this evening is completely free, I have nothing to do as such. But more than likely now't much is going to happen as I am tired, feel uninspired and I'm rather lazy.

Creative writers, song writers, writer writers etc are fond of saying things like writing is 5% inspiration and 95% perspiration*. Which is fine and well when talking about song writing, I can do that fairly easily and have done so many times. But now that I am trying to write 100,000 words this becomes almost depressing! 5000 inspired words and 95,000 perspired words. Which considering my predisposition towards laziness doesn't fill me with happy thoughts.

However fear not, for it is not all doom and gloom. I have now written over 26k, so that's over a quarter of the story written and more ideas are beginning to come together. There are bits which feel like a proper story now!

And right now I am going to go and shave, have a shower, have a pray and ponder a few things. Hopefully this will put me into a better frame of mind for the rest of the week. And whether I create much more this week we'll wait and see.

* pick your own percentage breakdown!

7 Days

So it's been a little while since my last blog, have had a few ideas but sadly not the time to let them ruminate and then spring forth.

Instead we get a few of things that have happened to me over the last week, in no particular order:
Played poker tonight for my friend's birthday, lovely evening, very chilled and fun AND I won! This is quite a monumentus moment, I've never won at poker before...

Visited Dave in his new surroundings on Wednesday, was wonderful, we hung out, he showed me his office, his park, his house, his room, he cooked for me, we watched football in a local pub and it was great.

Have spent the last three weeks working on a very frustrating piece of work, got it completed on Friday, I feel a great sense of relief it's over.

Some more good work news, we finally completed one of the major targets on Monday, we're so in shock it hasn't really sunk in that we've caught up!

Rach text me out of the blue today, that meant a lot to me.

I got my mobile phone back, it seems the antennae had broken, I'm quite happy now, means I can listen to, music on the train with both ears again!

Saw The Invention Of Lying with a "pretty young thing" on Friday night, if I have time I will blog about that, the movie that is! It raises some interesting questions.

Last Sunday we did an amusing version of speed dating at church, without the dating bit of course. Basically we all had to say 3 things that we like doing, twas fascinating what people said. Mine were; sport (playing and watching), being creative (music, writing, design work) and spending time with my friends. 2 out of 3 this week ain't bad.

Had dinner with my parents for the first time in ages on Tuesday, was reminded how amazing they are and how hanging out with them is so very good.

And now I probably should switch off and get some sleep.

Peace and love

DT

The Art Of Conversation

"Dude"
"Mate"
"How goes it?"
"You know..."
"Man."
"Yeah."

In literary terms the above is practically pointless and probably a waste of space. In real life that conversation could be a deep and meaningful moment between two friends because communication is not strictly about the words. The relationship, the history, the story, the tone of voice, the speed of delivery, the physical proximity, the facial expression and probably a great deal more all contribute to the meaning of words being shared.

As an aspiring writer the descriptive side of things I thoroughly enjoy and feel that I'm showing a certain about of promise in this creative area. However trying to write dialogue is proving interesting at best and very troublesome at worst!

I cannot help but draw parallels with my life and what I am writing and the influence both have on each other. I occasionally sit back and just listen to conversations and how people interact with one another, and sometimes I do this to myself (I usually get quite worried at this point!). Without knowing the full picture, which I admit is very difficult to know, some conversations can seem very superficial, weird, inappropriate, horrible, ad nauseum etc. What's worse is when I look at some of mine and realise that they quite often are like that.

If I'm particularly quiet, it could be a number of things, and if at some point in the future you read a novel by yours truely and something reads familiar, my thanks to you for helping me with the art of conversation.

An Extract From My Novel

Thought that I should do as promised and put up something related to the novel I am writing. This is just a first draft of the chapter thus there are probably grammatical errors and clunky bits which will get ironed out over time. But anyways feel free to let me know what you think.


Teah stood outside the church, nervous.

Mcflurry in hand, ice cream melting quickly in the early Indian summer evening. Pacing up and down. Up and down. A small queue was already forming to his left, no right, no left.

The imposing architecture and the late sun dropping behind the church cast long shadows. Teah removed his jacket, it felt restrictive, or maybe he’d put on weight. Whether or not it was a psychological thing or not it didn’t matter. He couldn’t quite explain why he was so uptight. Then undid another shirt button, then did it back up again. Quite an achievement while carrying ice cream.

After what seemed like an eternity but was probably closer to ten minutes he spotted Rebecca amongst a small crowd of people who had crossed the high street together. He tried to throw a nonchalant wave. She spotted him. A moment later she was in his arms. Relief.
“Hello sweetpea” he stammered
“Teah, darling!” with a smile that melted him like the earlier ice cream.
“Shall we join the queue?” he asked.
“Lets, lets. So do we know who the special guest is or is it still a surprise?”
“No idea at all, not even the running order which looks like it’s been hastily bluetacked to the wall behind that makeshift entrance desk says!”

Ten minutes later and they walked through into the sanctuary of the Union Chapel. A beautiful, octagonal 18th Century edifice which tonight was hosting Live at the Chapel, a monthly comedy night. What the Almighty thought of comedy was anyone’s business, but no one had been struck down yet, well at least not as far as anyone knew of. As such jokes at God or rather religion’s expense were to be expected noting the unusual surroundings. All things considered it did make considerable economic and practical sense, so why not use such a unique building as much as possible? With its high ceilings, stain glass windows, superb acoustics and pews.

With a sense of purpose they made their way towards the front. First impressions were that of eccentric confusion. Comedy club in church? Rock and roll in church? Jazz band in comedy club? Pews in comedy club? Whatever next? This eclectic mix in “God’s house” was going to be an experience to behold. They slotted into an empty pew a few rows from the front.
“Do you think the neon sign will be on tomorrow above the reverend‘s pulpit?” laughed Teah.
“Hehe, can you imagine that, so funny for the rev to look up and see a red sign saying live at the chapel!”
As is the way a natural lull fell upon conversation, statistically speaking it’s usually after about twenty three minutes. This lull was accompanied by a jazz band called The Band unsurprisingly playing jazz, unsurprisingly being very good, surprisingly playing a cover of Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones. It was a peculiar thing which Teah decided should be shared with Rebecca for lack of anything else to say and to end the lull.
“A bit different is it not to have a jazz band playing in a church at a comedy night, no?”
“I think this whole evening is an eclectic mix so nothing is surprising me, they’re very good though aren’t they.”
“Yes they are, exceptionally gifted purveyors of rhythm and blues. It must however be an odd feeling playing a show like this. More so as their front man is a saxophone player, so there is no verbal communication with the audience.”
“Quite. Which could explain the polite applause after every song as opposed to the adulation they deserve!”
“Not sure what the Almighty would say about someone on his stage getting adulation. Let’s hope there’s no smiting.”

The band paused, and a booming voice spoke forth.
“Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome your host and tonight’s compère Mr Allan Tiny”
Cue rapturous applause.
“Good evening all. How are we all doing? What a fascinating venue eh. I would advise everyone to pay attention to certain rules or risk the wrath of the Almighty. And God would be upset too.”
Cue mild laughter.
“Sadly there is no drinking in the main chapel area, however there is a bar upstairs. And far be it from me to suggest that buying spirits with a mixer is a clever way of disguising alcohol, the eyes of God do see all things! I however don’t like spirits thus am stuck with fizzy pop. How very rock n roll eh.”
Cue mixture of disgruntled laughter.
“So tonight we have a fantastic evening of comedic entertainment for you. Some live acts, as opposed to dead ones, they never did translate too well to a live audience. Comedians and comediennes who will tickle you pink, make you think and possibly help you forget that you are in a church and that you are wedged into these God awful pews. “
Cue uncomfortable laughter.
However before I welcome the first comedienne to the stage I just wanted to ask a question or two. So lads, who here thinks he’s on a date but really the girl you’re with doesn’t like you that way?”
Teah laughed somewhat uncomfortably at this, heightened considerably by Rebecca’s sideways glance and comment. “How gutted must you be if that was you! Evening over!”
“Haha, that‘s got you worried now lads, don‘t worry though, it‘s probably not you!” continued the compère.
Dee swallowed anxiously and laughed again a little too loudly.
“Hopefully…”
Cue more laughter.
So without further ado, may I introduce our opening act…”
To Teah it could only have felt worse if he’d been called a paedophile or had his pants pulled down in front of everyone. It was as if a massive spotlight had been shone sorely on him in the midst of that darkly lit hall, his very soul exposed to all to see, and Rebecca was looking down her elegant nose at him with disdain written across her fair features. Shocked that he would feel that way.
‘Help.’

He vaguely noticed Rebecca jabbing him in the ribs and motioning that the person on stage was really very funny. At this point Teah noticed that there was a young lady, with a guitar singing some inappropriate songs about child birth.
‘Was this the first act still?’
‘How long have I been lost in my own thoughts?’
He glanced at Rebecca, and she smiled back.
‘She seems to be having a good time still so it can’t be that bad. Maybe she hadn’t noticed!’
“Very amusing” Teah finally said out loud.

And so the evening progressed, the audience laughed vigorously and the acts lapped up the applause and held them skilfully in the palm of their comedic hands. Soon people forgot they were sitting very upright in less than comfortable surroundings, then before you knew it the compère was bidding all a good night and enticing one final round of applause.

Upon leaving the church Rebecca wrapped her arm through Teah’s and lent on his shoulder. “So what did you think? And you went a bit quiet half way through, lost in your own thoughts for a bit eh?!”
“Um yeah, twas great wasn’t it. How weird was that guy shoving a beer bottle up his bum, not expecting that at all. Beside him the rest was really good. I liked the joke about existentialism and a dog named Buddha.”
“Yes, very odd and not funny at all. You know what would be though“ said Rebecca, “you should write a scene into your novel about tonight, except that it should be that the male character is secretly in love with the female character, and how the comedian is the one who reveals that to everyone, but the awkwardness is only felt by the male character. That would make for a great subplot to your novel! What do you think?”
‘HELP!’

(C) 2009 David Thomas

Have I Mellowed Too Much?

At some point this evening I was hit by the thought; have I mellowed too much?

I think that if people who know me thought about it (not that I think they do or should) they would agree that I have mellowed over the last few years. I know that I have mellowed. But I am left wondering is it too much?

Have I lost the fire that burned inside and led me to action. Now admittedly I did get things wrong a fair amount of the time BUT at least I was passionate and tried to act accordingly! I was zealous for things to be right and desperate that people be treated as equitably as possible.

And I think in that passion I was creative and full of life and vigour and ideas and now as I sit here on my bed; my legs aching, 75 thousand words of a novel still to be written, wondering what will become of all the songs that have been written, I think what happened to that young man full of fire and ideas.

Positive Positive Positive

My parents (who are amazingly loving and learned people) are fond of reminding me about how important the things we say are. To quote an old proverb and personal favourite saying of theirs "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof".

Thus today, despite the rather large and probably growing pile of work at my proverbial front door I am deciding to stay positive and more importantly my words shall reflect this. And if you hear me speaking in the negative feel free to pull me up short!

Disappointed or Disappointed at being Disappointed

So last night was the most bizarre evening I have had in a long time. I had the priviledge of being my dear friend Dave's plus one at the Christian Blog Awards. His blog was up in the under 25 category (http://www.thattheologystudent.blogspot.com/) and I thoroughly recommend it.

Amusingly this thorough recommendation is completely biased, the fact is I love Dave and would read his blog if it was utter tripe, however the fact is it's actually very good. It has wit, elegant prose, honesty, sincerity, asks big important questions but isn't afraid to meander into a trivilaity. And most importantly he does it for the right reasons. Not for fame, adulation, numbers, but because he wants to write and record some of the experiences he is going through.

Now I could go off on the tangent of what is a Christian blog, in a similar way as to what is a Christian band? I stick by the truth that the only things that can be called Christian are those who profess Jesus Christ as Lord, which the last time I checked was not a blog and was not a band. For a blog and a band are the creation of people. Now the people might be Christians and thus that pervades as it should do, every aspect of their lives, but the band and the blog are not in themselves follows of Christ.

But I digress, there were some weird and wonderful characters, some mighty fine beards, some verbose speeches (back atcha bro!), free food, free wine and I was completely underdressed! Although mrs church mouse; sitting next to me did point out that I was the only person wearing a hat. And back to the "point" of this blog; disappointment, on our table a chap who finished runner up last year got nothing, shame, the church mouse won and Dave was left with "nothing". The question that came to mind at that moment was which is worse?

Being disappointed or being disappointed at being disappointed?

Am sure Dave will forgive me for sharing all this, but he had no expectation of winning, and yet there was a teeny weeny bit of hope, hope, hope, and that hope was dashed. And Dave was left disappointed, but which was it, disappointment at not winning or the disappointment of thinking one had a chance and seeing that fail. (nb Dave you're not a failure!). I too must confess to being disappointed, seeing my friend lose and not really having any words to share. Am glad I was there with him, for him, cheered him, made facetious comments and giggled inappropriately with him. I would have smelled his glove if he had one.

So last night was bizarre. We ended up sneaking off early and missed the second half of the awards, missed some nuns winning a web award! Other random things, longer queue for the mens than the womens. Going to bed at midnight but not getting to sleep until 3am (you know who you are - and I'm not complaining at all!)

I could end with some vague platitudes, but I won't. Instead I will end with the words of Paul which put a lot of perspective on a disappointing evening which really wasn't:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. "

What Is Man That You Are Mindful Of Him?

This is a collection of some of the thoughts I have had today, I have not had to put them into any coherent manner.

Why is it that despite everything we (humanity) do God still loves us?
Does eating apples cancel out 3 chocolate bars?
If you want to be depressed, take a look around you, you will always be able to find something that can get you down.
If everyone took a look around them and did something then the world would be a better place.
I scored a hatrick this evening and still felt like I played rubbish.
Why am I wearing tights?
Why has my phone stopped working?
Why is it only a handful of people seem to do all the work?
When did I turn into my father - brightly coloured shirts and drinking copious amounts of tea!
What am I going to about what I see going on around me?
Why am I so selfish and lazy?
Why are Arsenal still so frustrating?
How come I am so blessed with so many wonderful friends?
Three nights on the trot is gone 1am and I'm still not asleep - not clever!

And it all came about because I was pondering the question what is man that you are mindful of him?

The Day The World Changed

The day the world changed
Walls came crashing down
Thoughts of peace are lost
Amidst echoes of anguish
So many reasons to curse humanity
So many reasons to turn your back
Give up, give in, give over, give again.

The day the world changed
Death and Hades came down
My brothers forever lost
In battlefields and anguish
So many reasons to curse humanity
So many reasons to turn your back
Give up, give in, give over, give again.

The day the world changed
As love was nailed down
Son of heaven was thou lost
Forsaken cries in anguish
So many reasons to curse humanity
So many reasons to turn your back
Give up, give in, give over, give again.

nine nine nine

Wednesday 9th September 2009
09/09/09
nine nine nine

Numerical oddities. However in the words of a famous old soldier, don't panic, don't panic!

Let's hope today is not full of emergencies, but if there are, hallelujah for 999.

Skinny Love is Nothing Special with Almost Lover

I find myself caught up in a whirlwind of emotions and so many things going on that I have I feel like a circus performer. Just one week ago I travelled up to Preston to be an Usher at my dear friends Dan and Jenn's wedding. A wonderful, uplifting and exhausting time it was too. I somehow ended up fulfilling a certain role which quite often heads my way, organising people, making myself heard and finally public speaking. However, the travails and chastening responsibilities of being so busy were a small price to pay for the happiness of the gorgeous couple and a glorious and memorable day.

In the midst of it all there have been a few scattered moments where I have had time for quiet reflection, some good and some not so. Three songs have grabbed my ear again, much like the first time I heard them and fell in love with them instantly. I can recall still recall those moments and where I was. Skinny Love by Bon Iver was while watching tv at my sisters on new years eve a couple of years ago. Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy while watching CSI New York in my bedroom shortly after moving into the flat. And Nothing Special by David Marriott/As It Were in my parent's living room. All three have a certain honesty and melancholy that touches this romantic soul.

So since the wedding I had a crazy busy Sunday with a disappointing end, an oddly productive Monday, a very long and bizarre Tuesday, a tiring Wednesday and here I am on Thursday hoping my Dad can fix my PC, that Cyprus has good weather, that North Finchley behaves itself and that my friends are doing alright.

I also realised that over the last five years I have allowed my range of vocabulary to shrink quite considerably in efforts to be more concise (stop sniggering back there!) in certain areas of communication. This makes the creation of the written word in an eloquent form even more challenging. So if I start being more flowery than usual my apologies! And I thought I would end proceedings with one of my favourite words which shall be word of the week - malapropism.

Regret

Although the past few days have been beautiful in so many ways, my heart is troubled and my mind full of regret for my failure to act.

Maybe it should read;
Although my heart is troubled and my mind full of regret over my failures the past few days have been beautiful in so many ways.

Someone once said it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. One of my closest friends told me I think too much. I have loved, I have lost, I have thought too much and not acted and thus have lost and not loved in the past few days.

Don't let opportunity pass you by, don't live with regret, don't let your heart be burdened with such weights. Better to be rejected by people and loved by God than to have never stepped out.

So I sit here alone, knowing that this broken heart and mind that is full of regret is loved by God. And maybe one day I will look back and not with regret...

Subject To Change

Realisation came home to me today that I really don't like change. Strangely not a lot has changed today, except for the loss of the beard. But maybe my facial hair is an apt metaphor for my dislike of change. I tend to shave relatively infrequently, usually because I'm lazy and perhaps because a bit of facial suits me.

As I have mentioned before two of my closest friends are moving away, and the thought of not seeing them as regularly as I have done fills me with great sadness. Worse still is the apprehension that they will meet new people and I'll get replaced, maybe not fully but slightly. And that's what scares me the most. So like my not shaving, I don't like things to change. I like my friends, I like knowing where they are and that I can see them AND yet things are always changing much like my facial hair which grows grows grows until I shave it off. Yet it is horribly selfish to not want good things and change for my friends. And this is what it feels like, I've just shaved, a fresh face, and a fresh start for my two friends.

So to my two friends I pray for greatness for you, I love you dearly, more than I have words to say. And I hope that I'm able to be a good friend in all of this, whatever that might be.

Onto slightly more upbeat matters, tomorrow I travel to Preston for a wedding. Am really looking forward to it. Love and marriage is a beautiful thing and I am honoured to be there for it and to play a small part - Usher! Goodness knows what this will involve, but I have a suit, white shirt, about to go and polish the shoes and tomorrow collect my teal tie!

Tired but Thinking but Possibly not Straight

I have returned from Somerset, Shepton Mallet, a Farm, Soul Survivor. Currently "recovering" by sitting on the sofa watching Michael McIntyre.


Now this recovering is not a negative recovering as to suggest that my week in the world's smallest tent was bad. Infact I'd go so far to say that the only dampner on the week was the leaking tent, sadly the leaking wasn't so much the outside rain as the inside condensation caused by my nightime breathing. This is somewhat problematic being so tall, having so many clothes and being slightly "precious" (to quote some some friends)! But moving away from my tent issues, my week was very good. I was stuck in a field, with great friends, new friends, a guitar, a pink tent and pretty painted nails. Which contrasted with my new found desire for a man drawer has left me questioning a number of things about who I am.


For those who have no idea what Soul Survivor is about, it is a Christian Festival, it's lots of young people camping in muddy fields gathering in a big tent to sing songs to Jesus and listen to various people speaking on a variety of different things. There's live music, talks, food, sports and all sorts of stuff. Which may or may not be your cup of tea. And why was I there? Aside from being a Christian, and liking muddy fields, no wait aside from being a Christian and liking music and stuff like that I was helping out my friend's youth group by being one of the "leaders" - a task I feel less than suited to than some might suggest.


Am I the extroverted guy who will talk to anyone, or am I the quiet guy who feels everything, am the popcorn fluff conversationalist or the deep longwinded dialogist? Which doesn't even get us onto discussions as to what is it that makes someone a leader or what exactly is it that makes someone a man (penis or personality?) and what does it mean to be a Christian? Does painting my nails make any difference to anything?


But fear thee not, I still like women, football and meat. But I also like pink, clothes shopping and romantic comedies. Which has led me to the conclusion that my identity needs to be found in something other than my sexuality or what I like/dislike or support etc. After 29 years of consideration I have come to the conclusion that the decision I made age 3 is still the correct one. My identity needs to be in Jesus Christ, he is not flakey like I, or prone to irrational thoughts or selfish amibition. He is patient and kind, he does not envy or boast, he is not proud or rude or self-seeking, he it is not easily angered, he keeps no record of wrongs, he does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres and he never fails. And all of this is what I aspire to be, and as I look to him I know that I can grow into this, even if I fall short time after time.


So I am going to go make a cup of tea and ponder the words of the legend that is Tre when he said now it's your turn to go out there and change the world with your art and revel in England winning the Ashes!

Silence For A Few Days

Eloquence has left me this evening.

I started writing a piece about letting the people I love down, but it crossed that line into being depressing and I was struggling to get my thoughts out in an intelligent or eloquent manner. Thus I gave up on it, not least because I promised myself this blog would not be completely self indulgant or depressing.

Onto other matters, I am off camping at Soul Survivor for a few days, so there will be no updates til the weekend. Which in someways is annoying cos I think I'd probably have tons of "interesting" things to write. Hopefully I can store up the good stuff and distill it into one uber amazing super post!

So to my friends and family who I have let down, my apologies. I love you all dearly.

New Things, Growing Up and the Same Ole Same Ole

A friend of mine gets married in a couple of weeks, another friend of mine starts a new job/career next month, another friend is currently completing a new qualification while another friend is about to start a new qualification in a new city. And I have started a blog.

Spot the odd one out for life changing um changes.

(Unless of course this blog turns into something epic, which is probably unlikely, or starts taking up my entire life, which probably isn't a good idea!)

It was muted that maybe I could share some material from the novel I am attempting to write. So I thought I would clarify how that is going. So far I have written nearly 25,000 words, which translates to approximately a quarter of the book I am attempting to write. Within the confines of the story I am telling and the vehicle for this it means I have nearly completed 1 characters story.

For those who don't know, my novel revolves around 3 characters, currently enitled Dee, Jay and Teah, and how their lives become entwined over the course of 99 days. So I am effectively telling 3 stories in 1. Writing it in this manner gives me scope for jumping around and writing the bits that I feel inspired to. Although on days/weeks/months where I don't feel inspired it sometimes feels likea hopeless unending battle. However I have so far written more than I have ever written in my entire life and I have been only working on it for 15 months. All the while holding a day job, playing in two bands, moving house, and doing lots of stuff! So although it's taking a while and is harder than I thought, it's still going well!

And yes this post probably has rambled more than usual but I'm on my lunch break, so I haven't had much time to "edit" myself - which is usually a sensible thing to do.

Vanity and the Egotist

When I told a very close friend of mine that I had finally joined the world of the blog; his reply somewhat in jest of course, was "I'm surprised you've resisted for so long, you little egotist!". Aside from the wry smile it brough to my face it also got me thinking about creative endeavours and why 'we' undertake them.


For example, I compose songs and perform them on a variety of different artistic landscapes. Being a soul of romantic disposition, a considerable amount of my musical creation falls into for want of a better description love songs (although if anyone heard much of my output from Ikonoklast's days they might question that!) across the aforementioned landscapes. In searching for the meaning behind the song; the motives if you will for writing such things, it can of course cover a such wide range from the pure to the not so! And thus it led me further on to asking the slightly more specific question as it were of why am I writing this blog? Is it for me, is it for you, does my opinion matter and why?

When I was at university many moons ago, one of my lecturers voiced his dispair about the internet and how basically anybody could write anything on it and other people might then take note of that. Therefore the potential is there for complete garbage and that garbage to be validated. And I agreed with him wholeheartedly, and now I am writing a blog, adding further clutter to the internet. Of course I am intelligent, witty, charming, endearing, interesting, my blog would never be garbage, no no sir, my views are a cut above, and thus I am also in danger of being a fraud and an egotist.

And still I play on.

I am not sure I have an answer to this seeming dichtomy, and I suspect that over time I may get a slightly clearer picture. I may not of course. Perhaps I think too much and ask far too many questions. But I have promised myself that I will attempt to not allow this blog to become a place where I either rant about nonsence or fall into ever greater pits of dispair and depressing self loathing. Somewhere between vanity and depression is where this blog shall hopefully reside and perhaps glory something far worthier than I.

And in another moment of vanity; in homage to someone special, I end with this thought, "make of this what you will".

And So It Begins...

After a considerable amount of contemplating the idea and then disgarding it on account of many valid and not so valid reasons, I decided on the spur of the moment (yes that one just gone) to get on a do it. Yes to do a blog. Thus I have now joined the world of bloggers, whatever that actually means. This sudden rush of blood to the head has been in no small way aided by two people who shall remain nameless but mean more to me than words could ever conspire to show and deserve so much more than I.

I'm not entirely sure what I expect of this, or of myself, but we shall see how this works itself out.

And so it begins...

DT